Fragment #28

fragment #27

I was still asleep on Lyle's lawn when FatFat woke me up with a swift kick to the ribs. There was an annoying little man standing behind him. FatFat said, "So here's this douche bag..." and walked away without saying anything else. The annoying little man glared at FatFat as he walked away and then turned his angry eyes to me. "I understand you need something annulled..." he said.

I told him about Shelia and gave him my address. He stared angrily at me for a second or two more and then turned on his heels at began to walk away.

I picked my self up off of the ground and decided to see if the guys wanted any breakfast. Lyle said he was still feeling pretty terrible from last night. FatFat wouldn't even look at me but, mouthed the words "Fuck You." out of the corner of his mouth. It felt pretty awkward so I left.

I wonder what that guy did to FatFat to make him so mad at me.

fragment #27

fragment #26

So I bought Lyle a bottle of Laphroaig for taking me in. He told me it tasted like someone had put a cigar out on a bagel, but in a good way. We split the bottle and also case of beer. We got pretty sloppy and spent most of the night playing Sega and talking about girls and other terrible things.

Lyle said one time he was at this party, and right away, he knew he was going to make the magic happen (his words not mine). There was this girl there named Eileen. Lyle said Eileen was funny, smart, and smelled strongly of cheap cigarettes (Lyle let it be known that this is a big time turn on for him) . They chatted for a bit, and pretty soon they were making out in someone's bedroom closet.

That night they went home together, but Lyle kept noticing she was calling him Larry on the ride home. No matter how many times he corrected her, she called him Larry. Lyle told me it even happened during the sex. Lyle says the whole thing was pretty psychologically damaging and he had to fake his big finish. He also claims that now when he watch's Vh1 and Dexy's Midnight Runner comes on he is filled with a great deal of shame.

After telling me the story Lyle kicked me out so I slept in his yard. FatFat wasn't back yet and I wasn't ready to deal with Sheila.

fragment #26

fragment #25

I'm hiding out at Lyle's, until this marriage thing blows over. Sheila seems pretty volatile. The crazy bitch threw the sofa threw my living room wall when I told her I was out of beer. Lyle says he knows a specialist for this kind of thing, and has sent FatFat out to retrieve him.

I have to admit staying at Lyle's is pretty fun. He showed me his dad's collection of vintage Penthouse Magazines. All these boobs of women probably long dead. I think The Who wrote a song about something like that.

Somehow I accidentally set one on fire, but Lyle was pretty cool about it, even though it was probably priceless. Sometimes I am such a fool. I'm pretty lucky to have a dude like Lyle around. When I have hard times like these. I should buy him a present or something.

What kind of present do dudes buy each other?

fragment #25

fragment #24

So, this is the conversation I had over breakfast yesterday:

Me: So, last night was crazy.

Her: ...

Me: I don't even remember much of what happened.

Her: ...

Me: Look, do how much do I owe you? (her eyes turn to derisive slits.)

Her: Owe me? You think I'm a whore?!

At the point there was a lot of yelling and breaking of my stuff. Apparently, I'm married now. I'm told we'll be very happy once she calms down and that I go get some of her "Special Medicine" everything will be fine. I got to talk to Lyle about getting this thing annulled. Oh, and her name is Sheila.

fragment #24

fragment #23

When I woke up this morning my ears were bleeding. I vaguely recall going out last night to celebrate the ghosts moving, out but not much else.

Also there appears to be a hooker in my bed. I don't want to make any assumptions on character, but she has cigarette burns on her thigh and keeps twitching in her sleep. I wonder what's the protocol on this...

fragment #23

fragmen #22

Well Davenport and Charles killed Mr. Proufrock. Drank his blood and everything. That was terrible, but the good news is they said they would quit with the Ambien. Also they decided they like being ghost. They're going to get their own place and everything. This is turning into a great day. Maybe I'll even invite them to poker night. Davenport used to come when he was still alive. I'm not sure if ghosts even like poker though.

fragment #22

fragment # 21

When I woke up this morning I noticed two things. One, that I has shit myself again, and two there was a man standing at the foot of the bed. The man was smallish and presented himself as Thadeus Jame Proufrock, Paranormal Extinguisher. Mr. Proufrock told me he would help me with my ghost problem. I explained to him that it didn't matter anyway because the ghost had stolen my soul. Mr. Proufrock just laughed at this. He said to me:

"My dear boy, there's no such thing as a soul. Those beasts have been forcing you to snort Ambien on a semi-hourly basis. You are higher than a Count on Christmas. Now time to get cleaned up we have much work to do."

At that point he sprayed me with a seltzer bottle and ripped away my soiled sheets. I think this guy means business because he talks so funny. Also he smells like menthol and old people. I guess that's cause he's old.

Anyway I'm glad to have my soul back.