Saturday, July 9, 2011

fragment #35

Since the price of gas has gone up so much I had to opt out of FatFat's uncle Rick's gasoline treatment. Instead I went with the wiener dog treatment. Rick poured out a can of off brand dog food on my arm, and told me to, "Wait on them dogs to come over." The whole time Ralph begged me to change his mind. He even cried a little. The whole thing was pretty awkward.

The wiener dog who preformed the treatment claimed to be my cousin from that time I died and became a wiener dog myself, for a while. I just ignored him. I'm not prejudice but sometimes you have to draw a line when it comes to family.

The whole day was pretty terrible but when the wiener dog was finished doing it's thing Ralph was gone. I wonder if this counts as murder...

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

fragment #34

Christ, that asshole, Ralph tossed the rib eye right back in my face!
The bastard literally threw it at me! Says he only "Eats organic." I tried to tell him I was just wanted to make peace. He told me to "...Shove my peace up my ass."

Later I found a letter from his youngest , Jess. His own boy called him a "loser," and said "he never wanted to see him again." I feel kind of bad for the guy, but he still threw a steak at me though. Who does that? I can't deal with that kind of shit. Maybe there's a reason his family doesn't speak to him. I'm calling FatFat's uncle in the morning.

fragment #33

Ralph is acting all uppity ever since I tried to get rid of him. He said he's "...gonna get his buddies at the IRS to audit me." Jokes on him, I don't pay taxes or have a social security number. I'm off the grid. Plus I"m pretty sure I'm still legally dead.

Maybe I should see the doctor and get a biopsy or something. That or I get FatFat's uncle Rick to use his special gasoline treatment. I still can't grow hair on my right leg from that time I had this sketchy mole. Maybe I'll just make peace with Ralph. I'm going to go to the Super K and go buy him a giant rib eye right now.

Monday, June 13, 2011

fragment #32

I think my rash is getting worse. It introduced itself this morning as Ralph. Apparently Ralph is a C.P.A. from Indiana. He has three kids. Two of them are still in college and his oldest, Jenny just got married. The night before last he caught his wife cheating on him and after a night of heavy drinking he somehow ended up on my arm.

I put some cream on him and hope he goes away.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

fragment #31

Me and Lyle went to the Z-Mart to buy new shoes, today. In the parking lot some kid was taking up, donations for P.E.T.A. Lyle slapped the kid pretty hard and told him to "Grow the fuck up!" It was pretty awkward, but I agree with Lyle that it needed to be said. The shoes I got are ugly and too small, also I appear to be getting some type of rash.

Oh and I went to Narnia. Lyle was right. It was terrible.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

fragment #30

So, I've decided to just let Shelia be. Let the landlord deal with her when the rent shows up late. Next time she goes out for virgin blood and beer I'll sneak in and get my things. In the mean time Lyle says I can rent out his basement. I've never been down there, but he says it's not so bad. The only rule is to stay out of the big cabinet, that's down there. Lyle says it goes to Narnia. Apparently Narnia is terrible.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

fragment #29

So, Shelia murdred the anulment guy. Turns out she's a sucubus. Bit off the guy's head, as soon as he tried to serve here the papers. Lyle says the only way to kill a sucubus is to fuck it's brains out with a condom blessed with holy water. He's volenteering for the job although I'm not sure how I feel about that. She may be a demon but she's still kinda my wife also, I wonder if he was being literal "fucking it's brains out."

Oh, turns out FatFat used to screw around with the anulment guy's mom and there's alot of bitterness between the two of them. So that's why he was so mad at me. He's cooled off now that the guy is dead.

All this death is giving me some serious depression. Maybe I need a vacation.