fragment #16

fragment #15

I think things are cool between me and Ben Franklin. We had a talk, and I explained that I wasn't into immortals. I also introduced him to my friend, Gay Andy. They seem to really like each other. I wonder if all gay people scissor, or just lesbians?

The rest of the day was pretty boring except a snake talked to me. He was pretty boring too though. He just kept asking me to read his poetry. I don't want to read any snake poetry. It's probably depressing.

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fragment #14

OK so, Ben Franklin is not a vampire, just immortal, and now things are kinda awkward (I think I broke his heart).

I think I'm going to just skip a day, and make myself a Whiskey Bathtub. If you don't know how to make a Whiskey Bathtub here's the recipe...

1 glass of whiskey (fill to brim)

1 bathtub

Fill bathtub with water

Get into bathtub (remember to take the whiskey with you)

Wallow in sadness

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fragment #13

Ben Franklin is a vampire! We all hung out at FatFat's the day after the party. Ben Franklin kept trying to get me to go into the bathroom with him. I think he was trying to suck my blood. Also one time, when were in the kitchen alone, I felt him come up behind me. He just stood there, really close, breathing on my neck. I wonder if I should destroy him.

FatFat made us all huevos rancheros. Mine had a sock in it for some reason but was still pretty good.

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fragment #12

Since I had returned to life, Lyle threw me a big party. He gave me this huge bottle of this stuff called Zwak. It's kinda like Jäger but for pretentious people. I drank like half the bottle, but never really got buzzed. I wonder how come that happened.

A lot of people showed up, including this one guy that looked just like Ben Franklin. I asked FatFat about him and it turns out, it was Ben Franklin! Lyle met him at the laundry mat on the corner of Sidco and Elm, and they hit it off. How is he still alive? I wonder if he's a vampire...

Davenport did a keg stand, and somehow managed to break all his fingers in the process. Weird.

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fragment #11

So, I decided to suicide. I had rather be dead again than a weiner dog. When my master wasn't looking, I ran out into traffic. A late model Volvo hit me causing my spine to fractured and my stomach to burst, spilling my guts in the hot sun. It took a while to die and no one really seemed to care, even my master. The last thing I heard, before the world went black, was a little kid yell, "Mommy, Mommy, that weiner dog exploded!"

When I woke up, I was me again and alive. Although, I kind of feel like my hands may be smaller than they were before.

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fragment #10

This morning I shit on the carpet, and dry humped a girls leg. I ate dry dog food and my own vomit. Being a wiener dog is terrible.

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fragment #9

Being dead was boring. I thought about visiting my grandmother but she didn't care for me much when we were alive. I remember on her death bed, she told me she had been faking the Alzheimer's so she could avoid talking to me. Instead, I decided to become reincarnated as wiener dog. I felt it would be less humiliating than being ignored by my own Gran.

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fragment #8

While I was in the shower a spider crawled out of my ear, so I went to the doctor to have shots done.

When the doctor looked in my ear he discovered a whole spider family. A momma spider, a poppa spider, and ten million baby spiders. The doctor told me it was unethical to destroy a family, and that I would be a terrible man to ask. He also told me the spiders had eaten most of my brain anyway, and I was basically a walking corpse.

I went home, laid down on the couch, and waited to die. I left my will on the coffee table next to me, although I have nothing to give.

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fragment #7

When I got back from space FatFat was waiting for me at my door. He told me Lyle had some moonshine his parents had smuggled in from Macedonia, and that I should come over and try a bit. The rest of that day is pretty hazy, at best. I do remember squashing roaches in Lyle's kitchen while screaming "I do not value human life!" I also remember FatFat saying he was disappointed in my behavior, but I can't remember if it was about killing the roaches or not.

When I woke up the next morning my ears were bleeding but nothing felt missing so I took a shower, and went to work. They sent me home due to my smell and the bleeding. I tried to tell them the smell was from space but no one believed me.

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fragment #6

Lyle and FatFat gave me a call, and asked if I wanted to ride over to a party at Davenports with them. I sat in the back seat with the window cracked. Pretty soon I started to feel my self fade away. When I moved my hands they seemed to leave a trail behind. FatFat looked back at me and said something, but I couldn't understand him. His words were gibberish and his tone harsh. Lyle tried to slug my leg but his hand just went through me. I started to float out the cracked window so FatFat tried to roll it up, but I was already gone. I watched the car get smaller and smaller as I lifted higher into the stratosphere. After not to long, Earth was a tiny beautiful blue dot. I stayed in space for a few weeks. I was the loneliest time in my life I could ever remember and it smelled terrible.

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fragment #5

Yesterday, I went for a bike ride in the park. I noticed a path I hadn't taken before, so I took it. The path seemed to go on for miles and miles. At the end I came to a clearing. Beautiful naked people were everywhere. You could see there was no sexual tension in their eyes. The innocence of childhood had been reclaimed. I took off my clothes and let the sun wash over me. I had never felt so free. A young women approached me with a frown on her face. She looked down at my body and then said to me, "You are terrible." Then she began to vomit. Mortified, I threw my clothes back on, jumped on my bike, and peddled away. On the way home I wrecked and cut my knee. Unfortunately the bleeding stopped.

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fragment #4

Me and Lyle went to the corner store to get some more beer, but when we go there, the windows were boarded up. There was a hand written sign that read "PLEASE GO THE FUCK AWAY RIGHT NOW". I'm not sure why but the sign made me sad. We walked home without our beers, defeated. Lyle told me I had to go anyway because he had women coming over.

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fragment #3


Tuesday morning, I got up and it was the end of the world. Bombs rained from the sky, and the streets were lit with fire. People were screaming, sirens wailed. One lady ran past my window clutching her head. Blood streaked her hair, and it was falling out in big patches. I closed my blinds and went back to sleep.

The next day I went over to Lyle's house. I told him about my date with the lady and the child that we did not have. He told me that it was for the best, and that I was too young to be a father anyhow. I like Lyle because he always knows what to say. We spent the rest of the day playing Mortal Kombat on his old Sega and drinking rum and grenadine. I think you call that a zombie.

fragment #3

fragment #2

Later that day, on my way home for work, I met a girl. I invited her to dinner, and over the course of the meal we fell very much in love. Later that night we tried to have a baby but it died inside her. With shovels found in the basement we dug a hole and buried it in the back yard. It looked like a bit of raw chicken laying there alone in the dirt. I cried all night, and soon a great river began to flow down the street on which she lived. Neighbors climbed onto their roofs, uncertain of what to do. I overturned an old doghouse and, after fashioning it into a raft, I paddled my way home.